alright alright. nevermind. i just actually talked to dad and cleared up a lot of what was making me upset and now i feel a lot better.

i'm always gonna feel jealous, but i have to learn to deal with that or i'll never be a true friend to all involved.

and i'm listening to my bebop jazz cd so all is right with the world.

though i still don't know what to do for my portfolio. i hate a blank world document.

love, hugs, and addendums to case repor---- i mean posts... (that was an x-files reference.)

~jess
i wrote this at 2:48 PM

*ahem* to continue...

sorry 'bout that. me and dee realised we had to run to give andrew back his keys, and that we had forgotten.

alright, so ya. it wasn't a terribly bad pub nite, in fact, if i hadn't been all emotional and whatever, it would have been tremendously awesome. (which is was anyway for some people *wink*) but it seemed like last nite, everything that usually makes me upset was happening. all the reasons for being jealous, all the insecurities i have about everything and etc was going on and putting me in an upset mood. then something really upset me so i went to bed and cried myself to sleep.

and then last nite, again, when trying to sleep, i was all upset again. it's like i'm fine during the day, happy and everything (well, not really, but i seem that way as always) and then i go to bed alone and get all upset about it, only to wake up in the light of day in a fine mood to be starting again. i remember a while ago someone telling me that though they have fun and are in a good mood during the day, the bottom line was that they went to bed sad and lonely. well, now i feel like that and i don't like it one bit. and last nite, all that kept going through my head was that i had nowhere to run to to talk about it or to cry to or anything. no one to hold me. so i am venting to you, bloggie.

and i guess i should go do my portfolio now...

as always, i am not saying this for sympathy or whatever, i just needed somewhere to vent.

love, hugs and warm days

~jess
i wrote this at 12:50 PM

*achoo* bless you

ho hum.

last nite was pub nite, and what a one it was. not in the good way, either. though it wasn't terribly bad. everything was getting to me. like everything

ahh!

gotta go!!!


i wrote this at 8:57 PM

everybodeeee!!!! if you can, go see this movie!!!!

it's so awesome. i've seen it twice now instead of doing any work at all... well, i mean, i did write two tests and print all day till 8 (which i thought was 9.... there's that whole being able to tell time thing...) and then came here (office) and then went. with bear in tow of us two.

go see it!!!! i highly recommend it!!! with all my recommendation powers!!!

also, shaolin soccer is coming to here. well, the states, we're not quite sure if it's coming to canada. but if it is... !!!!!!

yay!

love, hugs and MOVIE=PROCRASTINATION FUN!!!! and also mysterious bags of popcorn.

~jessica
i wrote this at 12:28 AM

walked around and walked around and walked around town...

damn theatre... so i went to the abby just now to sit with a vanilla tea so i could get the energy to do some work and to clean my room some more before i went to bed, and to study in the ab as well, only to find it taken over by the west side story cast for a cast party... as in the pub is closed. ah well.

the hallway here is all dark. i don't know why.

there's an old black man with the voice of an amazing storyteller talking to a young indian woman in the lobby. she has the sweet, gentle voice of a mother and i don't know what they're talking about, but their voices are lulling and soothing to my soul.

so what did i do today, you may ask? well, i went to dad's last nite and spent the nite and slept in till noon, then watched naturo till 4 ish then did some more nothing till 5, then ate some SPICY pasta (it was spicy, dammit), then i passed out again for awhile, then it was 9 ish and dad was leaving to go to sari 2.0's party and so i walked back here and cleaned my room and had a shower and now i'm in the hallway.

the walk home was squishy and wet, but jumping puddles and guessing where they were in the dark was fun. and the walk to dad's last nite was incredibly great. every time i'm walking across that field with the abandonned baseball diamond i am totally lost in thoughts. last nite it felt like fall, and i watched the ground the whole time, concentrating on the long, dead, crunchy grass and the images flooding my head. remembering walking through forests and feeling like a new explorer to parts unknown as a 12 year old. those times we wandered around for so long, the four of us, me, my sister, alana and her little brother. we found clearings and trees we didn't know existed. and a deer long dead and ripped apart. and the feeling of wonder and amazement that i felt during those days filled me again last nite. being the leader, on the simple basis that i was the tallest and oldest by a month or two, and i was the one with a walking stick. the smell of fall as it hung around us. the crunch of our feet, sometimes the only noise for what seemed like forever. the choppy noise of the lake when we got to squishier ground. the cold that pinched our cheeks. thoughts of mudpies and the saturday morning cartoons we had watched earlier in the day. thinking of school that had just started. wondering what the coming winter would bring. as it got later in the year, we wandered through forest more dead, with puddles of snow on the ground. the light jumped from between the trees and bounced off of the snow into our eyes. and in the winter, when the leaves were completely off the trees, we found how close to civilization we really were, we could see housetops and barns in the distance. but still we walked. the dog, king i think his name was, came with us some times. maybe his name was buddy.. i don't know. he would run free ahead of us, a great german shepard of a thing bounding around the forest, frightening any wildlife before we had a chance to see it.

ah, those days. walking across that field this was all i could think of. when i stepped onto the sidewalk, i was reminded of nothing, save the countless other times i had walked that way to dad's. knowing that what was waiting was a warm, cuddly place with plenty to divert me from the mounds of homework i had waiting for me.

so yay. for yesterday and today. now i am completely fucked for the work i have to do. ah well, so is life. c'est la vie.

love, hugs and rambly posts

~jess

well i guess that's just the way it is, don't bother none. wouldn't do at all to worry 'bout it.
i wrote this at 12:14 AM