we all can't be super-fly. GQ, PH.D, FBI.

so here i am again sitting in the computer lab. again, i'm supposed to be typing out my essay. whatever, i'll do it in a second.

ask your conscious the why and how, do it then, do it when, but do it now.

i love this song. and this cd. props to dad. and to cowboy bebop, i guess.

when the truth seems too far away, buddha loves you and jesus saves.

i don't know where anyone is, really. mind you, it's 1 in the afternoon so most everyone is sleeping somewhere. anyways. i think alicia and stuff are going to ottawa today or something, which i can't go to cuz i have to do this damn essay. and dad is gonna work or something, or go with them i think if he can or something. ah, confusion.

my neck is so much better right now. it just hurts a little in a normal sort of pain way. like when you hurt your neck, and it's not so bad. that's what it is now. but my shoulders are more cracky than ever.

this morning there were cop cars in the little turn around dealie outside winters and when i came outside into the quad, the stairs - both into the college and under it - are all taped off with police tape, as are the doors on the side to get into the college. something happened and i want to know what.

i want some potatoes. but i cant' afford potatoes. so i will have to get my daily meal of a bagel at some point today.

last nite chicago came over and was the special guest porter with me. she made a sign. and we ate cookies and did the crossword and figured out all the words to yakko's nations of the world, though the version i have cuts out in the middle of mahore to crete, mauritania. 'twas fun, tho.


i believe i am done with this posty now.

love, hugs and computer labs.

~jessica

i wrote this at 1:27 PM

don't know much about history...

i know i've done this before, but here it is again with a different answer...


You're just the happy go-lucky type. You might have
your pet peeves, but other than that, you're
mainly calm. Blending in with your
surroundings, you're the type of person who
everyone likes. Usually it's you who cracks
jokes at social gatherings - after all,
laughter is the best medicine. Sometimes you
pretend to be stupid, but in all actuality, you
could be the next Einstein.


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla

so here i am sitting in the computer lab, kinda typing out my essay, kinda not. i have to porter at 6 and right now it's 20 after 4. so i'm not going to finish it today. but that's okay. cuz i can email it tomorrow, too.

i'm on the 3rd and final paragraph other than the conclusion. it's 2 pages single spaced, which would make it 4 double. so when i'm done it should be the right length. i suppose i could finish it right now, but it's just not getting written.

and then worst of all, you never call, baby, when you say you will.

so here i am in the computer lab reading old journals and chatting it up. i don't know what my headspace is these days. i was all depressed. for reasons of school, reasons of inner emotional fighting and reasons of simply being depressed. being depressed makes me depressed because i am supposed to be happy.

and then i was walking back from the cfa and i said to myself "self, stop being depressed. you are depressed for no reason, so stop it." so then i was happy again.

and i still am.

i think it might have to do with the workload getting to be less. the emotions are still there, still jump up and stab me when they can, but mostly i ignore them till the next time they over-power me. and it will continue like that until i die. or until i figure out a magic solution as to how to stop being jealous of my friends and their friendships.

i am walking out in the rain and i am listening to the low moan of the dial tone again.

and it's still february. just because i have made myself feel better doesn't mean everyone else has. around here there's this hole melanchollie sort of mood that won't go away. it's like a big dark cloud that fell from the sky to see what we look like up close. but now that i became a bright shiny light again, i will try and clear it out. how? i have no idea. it just sort of seems to happen sometimes. i'm not saying that i always fix things, i'm not magical, and that would be very egotistical to say. but sometimes i can help, or i try to help, or just looking at me will put ppl in a better mood. or this happened before and once or twice. hopefully it will still happen. cuz ppl are too down lately.

i wish i was a magical pixie. but for now i'm happy being me.

i wrote a letter, she should have got it yesterday.

love, hugs, and a broken neck.

~jessica

ps. i hurt my neck real bad the other day by headbanging in the ab to bad habit by offspring. i was extremely hyper due to massive sugar consumption (my dinner consisted of two handfuls of cherrie blasters and a handful of gramma candy... and then i ate some cinnamen hearts and convo hearts at the ab...). my neck was sorta stiff after that, but licia gave me a massage and i was fine.. until i woke up the next morning and couldn't move. so i went to the chiropractor who snapped me up good, but didn't really do anything that wasn't being done anyways by time. and i got tons of massages all day yesterday. including one from alicia that was so painful but so good (come on baby, make it hurt so good) that i almost fainted. now it's moved into my shoulder area, and i'm sore from massages but it's not completely better yet.

and that is all.
i wrote this at 4:44 PM

lalalalalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

forget it all. i'm happy again.

and dad gave me roses today. they're yellow. and long-stem. WOOT!

love, hugs and a unicorn

~jess
i wrote this at 10:11 PM

before human intervention, the only way an elephant would die was completely natural. the old elephants would get so tired that they couldn't lift their trunks. when all the elephants would go to the river to drink, the eldest would have to walk into the water, further than the rest, so that they could better drink without lifting their trunks. the further in they got, the stickier the mud, the faster and harder the current. eventually, they would have to go in so deep that the current would overpower them.

there are elephant graveyards under the water.


i feel like an elephant lately. too tired to lift my trunk. i'm still standing tall, i'm still walking in, but the mud is pulling me down and the current is pushing me over.

love, hugs and elephant analogies

~jessica
i wrote this at 12:26 PM

hold on little girl...

yes, licia, that is the same song that is on your blog. i just read that and so now it is stuck in my head.

today was horrible. i woke up between 5 and 6 am so to get diane up and gone. and she left and i came back. and i could have stayed up, but hey, it was 6 am and i figured i should get the sleep. so i went back to bed. turns out i slept until noon, thereby missing my test by half an hour. so i booted it to class. someone else was also late (funny enough) and so my teacher was all "can you make it up today" and we both couldn't. "can you make it up tomorrow?" and we both couldn't. "email me then." so i did. and now it'll be on friday sometime.

so i stayed for the lecture, which was interesting as always. then i went to my convo class, which filled me with the rage as always. then i booted it back to rez, grabbed everything i needed for printing, ran back to the cfa and then exposed my screen, and started to try and print. but it didn't work. and i exposed the image backwards and i shouldn't have done that colour (black) first. then someone else had my table booked, so i cleaned up my stuff, washed the image off my screen and exposed another one. no one in our class is gonna be done by wednesday. so i don't feel so bad. but i dont think i'll even be done by friday. but there are others like me.

then it was 7, so i ran to the photo lab, signed out my enlarger, ran back to the print studio, finished cleaning up and whatnot, grabbed my stuff and ran to the darkroom. i processed film, then while it was drying, ran all the way back to rez, grabbed my photo crap, ran back to the darkroom and printed images. but not all my images. go figure.

then i grabbed my first meal of the day at 10 ish, came to the office wanting just to hang out with ppl. but they had all gone to mandarin (i knew this earlier) and went to wayland's when they were done (i did not know this). so now i'm all upset and tired and in pain and feeling alone.

and it won't get any better until this is all done. which won't be till friday.

i'm gonna do any readings i have to do and go to bed. maybe start thinking about the essay that's supposed to be due tomorrow.. but i won't hand in till thursday, if that.

i want to shoot myself in my face.

love, hugs and apologies about this post.

~jessica
i wrote this at 11:18 PM