i quite like this blog which i have just discovered. yay. she (?) likes harry potter, x2 and the matrix. yay.
i wrote this at 10:58 PM

if i'm a world away...

yay for this weekend. i've noticed that weekends are my friends, but weeks suck.

it's like i'm in limbo. and i want desperatley to (return) go to heaven (york - not saying this is hell nor that i'm not having fun on weekends...) and i've found a way to get to heaven. a short-cut. but if i go, it'll be wrong. it's not what i was supposed to do. and i wouldn't deserve to go this early - before having done anything.

how's that for an analogy?

what's my purpose?

ya, okay. so. just as the first matrix has us questionning reality and who's in control of our lives and whether or not we're free, reloaded asks you what your purpose is on earth, and why we choose the things we do. and so now i'm wondering what my purpose is. well, i'm not really, but that's going to weigh into my nitely ponderings, i'm sure. it's up there with who am i, who do i want to be.

also... THE MATRIX KICKED THE MOST ASS! i want to see it again. and then i want to see x2 again to see for myself which is better. cuz i just saw the matrix, so i don't know.

also, that should not be rated 14 A. i mean, come on. that one scene, with the dancing and the sex, i dont' know about anyone else, but that sure turned me on. it was steamy. i mean, you didn't really see anything, well, i was fairly sure i saw boobs in the dancing scenes, but nothing of the sex. except neo's naked behind.

and they asked me how old i was. i'm like what? i look 13 to you?! it was funny. i guess i'm just THAT cute... lol, i'm totally kidding. maybe it was the pigtails....

let's go away for awhile, you and i, to a far and distant land...

so, watchign neo and trinity's lovely love, i want to fall in love so badly. i get like this. i watch a movie, a show, hear a song, and i want it for myself. i dont' think i'll ever find it. i mean, sure i will love, and very probly will fall in love (okay, not probly, but you know, i'm hoping) but i fear it won't be the love i want. i want trinity/neo love, mulder/scully love, leaving on a jetplane love, satine/christian love... *sigh*

today i changed too late, cuz everyone stayed the same. so long, i'm gone, breakout cuz i'm better off on my own.

only not. and yay for sugarcult.

glarble. it's 10.37 at nite. that's kinda late. my tummy feels all hungry and empty, but it might just be digesting. and it's not a good thing to eat before bed, cuz then it just congeals into fat.

i love when my computer starts fucking up to the tune of the get up kids "watch it all come crashing down". now there is some irony for ya.

GUESS WHAT I FOUND?! a matrix blog! it's on the blogs of note section and it's all matrix-y. but it's not as scholarly as i thought it'd be. meh. i'll add that to my links soon.

oh, i hate bugs. but not really. but they creep me out. i'm talking of those huge swarms of them that buzz real loud and make huge clouds in the sky. they're so scary. it's like the world's gonna end.

ya, i think i'm gonna stop now.

sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

love, hugs, cheers

~jessica

i wrote this at 10:53 PM

grr on blogger's face.

so you know when you write a hugely long post, and you did it over a period of a few hours while doing other things, and so it was really in-depth in the way you were feeling, and you were feeling great so it was all great? well, you know then when it screws up and there's nothing you can do and you're so tired that your eyes are gluing shut so you just say fuck it and go to bed, then in the morning realise you should have tried harder?

i hate when that happens...

throw the last peal on the ground and slide on down to hell.

i thought of that last nite while reading over my banana post.

oooooohhhhhhhhkaaaaaaaay....

so yesterday i went to york and it was kick ass good times. and i wrote it all out last nite, so i dont' really want to write it all out again. but i saw erin, then she went to work, then i went to hers and erica's apartment, and that was great. and then erica came back with me, and then left when erin arrived, and me and erin and jen walked around campus for to do things that needed to be done. and i saw jaypee as a pleasant surprise. it was great.

erin and erica said i could stay with them over the summer if i wanted and if i chipped in with groceries. so maybe that'll happen. but i don't know. this wonts many days thinking about. cuz i do want to live in the city... now to do a pro/con chart dealie.

_PRO_________________|_CON___________________
|
-i'll be able to get a job that i can have | -i have to leave my lindsay friends behind.
throughout next year. |
-i'll be with erin and erica. and near jaypee | -i'll be leaving behind the lake, the trees,
and rachel. |the air and the peace.
-lindsay's moving in too. and andy might be| -i'll miss my dog and such creatures.
-i won't be bored | - i'll have to use erin and erica's computers whenever
| i want internet access


okay, so there's more too, but i don't want to do it like that anymore. it seems like it's not fair to my lindsay friends, cuz this is the only time i've really been able to hang with them all year. that sounds egotistical, like i'm assuming that people want to hang with me that badly... i mean, i'd like to be able to come home every other weekend or something. but right now, i'm not doing anything throughout each week. it's boring... but it's so peaceful. i want to just go there for like the last two months of summer or osmehting. but that doesn't work right with the lindsay kids' scheduals. and while there, like i said, i wont have my own net hook-up, and i'll lose some of my privacy. but i'll be with friends. but i'll be away from these friends. ARG. this is way complicated. but the fact that i have this option is super uplifting to my boredom spirits.

today i woke up and cleaned my room, then took the dogs and walked up to the mailboxes, then did the dishes. it's so pretty outside. i have to do the lawn later. as in mow it.

cuz maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me.

and this is our last real summer together. the lindsays, i mean. glarble.

one nite doesn't mean the rest of my life. if i go, it's not impossible. impossible's probably wrong. so let go, cuz i'm afraid to try.

i'm figuring out what all these me first and the gimme gimme's songs are. as in, what their titles are and such. it's fun, i like it.

don't you remember anythign i said when i said 'don't fall away, and leave me to myself. don't fall away and leave life bleading in my hands.'

she cries that life is like a movie, black and white, dead actors faking lines over and over and over again she cries.

i love this song. and innocent by them as well. i am talking about fuel.

and i claim i'm not excited with my life anymore. so i blame this town, this job, these friends, the truth is it's myself. and i'm trying to understand myself and pinpoint who i am, when i finally get it figured out, i've changed the whole damn plan.

oh, modest mouse, you hold so much truth in your lyrics. except when it's all about baby cum angles and i'm like what?

lol

talkin shit about a pretty sunset. yesterday, the clouds were so gorgeous and weird. all day, they were all different. it was like light fluffy clouds, and then the next layer was like stormy, and then the next was those chunky white ones that contrast with the dark stormy ones, and then misty ones. all on top of each other. it was so gorgeous! that was the mornign. then on the way back from TO, they were all messed up and thick and different colours on one side of the street, and then all sharp and bright and weird on the other. it was awesome.


i thought that i heard someone say "now is no time for running away."

i think i've reached a decision. but it's more of a cop-out than anything. i'm going to hang around here for awhile longer, and try and get a job with the nanny service or something. you know, just see how it all goes. if it's all not working out and i'm really unhappy, i'll move in with them at some point. i guess. bah. decisions decisions. but again, knowing that i have that option is great. gah, i love my friends.

so, i just mowed the lawn and i haven't written here for like an hour, and my computer's being scary.. bye

love, hugs, cheers

~jessica
i wrote this at 5:11 PM

most emotional person ever right now.

yeah... damn hormones. i was just reading forget i said that - a blog that i have in my links - and it's very very well written and i recommend it to all. but anyway, there's this one entry, entitled angels and it's about the authour's friends who wanted to adopt a child. but adopting children in america is apparently a very long and tedious process, so they went to other countries, namely russia. they only wanted one child, but they adopted four, so that these four little siblings could stay together. and i looked at the picture of them - the children - and they were so happy i almost started crying.

i'm so happy, i'm so happy, that i'm a boy and you're a girl, alright! i'm so happy, i'm so happy, i'm overjoyed we're gonna hang out tonite! i can't walk, can't move cuz i'm paralyzed by your love, and that's okay by me. i'm so happy, i'm so happy, we're lovers of loving love.

and that song is the cutest and most happiest song ever. so i almost started crying again.. lol... it's lovers of loving love by the aquabats. and it really is the cutest song ever.

ew, my hands are sticky with home-made strawberry jam.

you came and you gave without taking, but i sent you away.

so, i had an odd dream last nite. i was in a concentration camp. but it wasn't all scary. i mean, everyone had that in their minds, that it was scary and we were gonna die, but it was a nice atmosphere nonetheless. and it was odd. we were in this classroom. but where the front wall should have been, there was nothing. and it looked out on grass, and a hill with a huge (like the size of a house) root system of an upturned tree. similar to one of my childhood houses, in the field with the quicksand and the lipstick-covered rock.

and there was another tree, to the left. and it had hugely long branches. three of them. and things like microwaves were on the branches.

to the left side of the classroom was where we got our food - it was similar to in c1c, where you steal tea and sugar and honey packets. except one of the pots was full of gruel. actually, it might have been cream of wheat. so i was getting some food or something. there were a whole bunch of people in the classroom. ranging from old people to a very young little boy and girl, who i first noticed when hitler was telling some of us to use the bathroom. and i think i had a penis or something when i was peeing.

and if the world is ending, we toast to it.

so, after i used the "washroom" (really just a drain in the floor), and after i ate some gruel, i went over to talk to the little boy. i think sarah was in the class. and french immersion katie with the blonde hair. and mary catherine, i think. and other people. so i sat down at a desk behind the little boy, who now had a little sister, they were both chinese. the little boy (who looked no more than 5 years old, his sister looked around 3) was drawing a picture. they both were, but the boy's was the one that wasn't just scribbles. so i looked at it and was like "what are you drawing here?" and stuff. and it was a really really well done drawing. it was a person on a bike, with boxes on the handlebars.

"this is me, on the bike, and these are care packages. one is rice" and i dont' remember what the other one was.. clothes or something, i think. "i tried to make the boxes different looking" and then he started talking all educated in shapes and stuff.

i am one of those melodramatic fools, neurotic to the bone no doubt about it.

so i asked him how old they were, him and his sister. he told me he was 16 and his sister was 18. they had some disease that made them look like tiny little kids. then we were talking about how we didn't understand why we were in the concentration camps, cuz we weren't jewish and how the nazis were evil and stuff.

then i walked over to the back right corner, and all the lights were off or something, or maybe it was just darker in the corner. through all this there were three or four nazis at the front of the class, meandering about. and hitler was there, too. so i was in the back of the class, and i was talking to sarah or something, and people were getting into their sleeping bags. then somehow, i snuck out of the class, and i was walking towards the trees. there was another one beside the weird one with the three branches. and i don't remember what i was doing there, but then hitler came out, to get me or whatever.

so, sally can wait. she knows it's too late as we're walking on by. her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger, i heard you say.

so hitler came out, so i was freaked out cuz i knew i'd get in trouble. but it wasn't like "ahh, this is hitler and he's gonna gas me" it was like "oh no, the teacher's gonna catch me" type thing. so he came out. and i was in trouble, i could tell by the way he talked to me. but he seemed to not want to get me in trouble. like a nice principle who has to punish you cuz you were bad, but is too nice and makes friendly conversation with you while telling you to get back to class.

then something happened with the tree. i dont' remember what it was, but hitler decided to climb it. i could have ran. i could have got far away from the camp, but i didn't want to. i wanted to obey him, and not run away. so i watched him climb the tree. i think he was rescuing a cat. or jelly beans. or something. then he was on the very top branch of the three. and he had to get down. so he decided to slide down and he landed on the second branch. i was relieved that hitler didn't hurt himself. and he just missed the stove and the bed. that were in the tree.

the reason he had jumped was to see if he could make it down. once he realised he could, he climbed back up to the top branch to finish whatever he was doing.

then i guess i woke up cuz i can't remember anymore.

and i say yes, we'll show them all some things never fall.

someone may notice that i've been writing a lot about my dreams, and therefore have been remembering them all in quite accurate detail. i say to that someone "i know, it's odd."

perhaps it is because in my dreams, i have things to do. throughout the day, i do not have much to think about. i'm trying to figure out who i am, who i want to be. but that is a gradual process. and if i am constantly thinking of that, my brain will shut down. usually, it's just before i fall asleep that thoughts such as those go through my head. along with thoughts of the yorkies, and times past when i could just run down the hall or down the stairs to see those i love. now i have to schedual it. for the lindsés, i mean.

and i won't see all the yorkies for a long time. i'm going on wednesday to see some of them. but when's the next time i'll see diane? andy? meg? will i ever see jesse again? i know for sure i won't see greg until september. he lives all the way across the country. and i'm okay with that. i know that it's too difficult to see him, and it's unlikely that i will. but alicia doesn't live too too far away. neither does andy. even meg and diane are close compared to BC. and yet, i can't help but pessimistically think that i won't see any of them until next year.

bye bye, my liebe herr. farewell, my liebe herr. it was a fine affair, but now it's over. and though i used to care, i need the open air, you're better off without me, mein herr.

i'm reading blogs of other people that i don't know. and i'm waiting for friends to come online. i'm finding other people's lives much more fun than my own.

someday we'll find it - the rainbow connection - the lovers, the dreamers and me.

okay. right now, the only obvious solution to my problems is to get a job. this will keep me busy. it will make the time past faster. it will get me off my ass and away from monitors and television sets. it will give me money, with which i can travel to see my beloved friends this summer.

now whenever someone has told me "get a job" i always had the quick retort of "i can't." and then launched into an explanation about my circumstances without transportation to any said job. so i have settled on the fact that i'll be able to do odd jobs for neighbours and the occasional babysitting job. if they roll in. my neighbour knows of my circumstance, and knows of my boredom. she had offered me a job with her granddaughter - to be a live-in nanny monday to friday, and come home on weekends. and i was exstatic. any yorkies reading this will know the joy i went through thinking i was going to be a nanny over the summer. unfortunately, little jordan got a position in one of the greatest daycares around. so therein she was placed, and i lost my chance at a job.

my neighbour, possibly unnecessarily feeling guilt at having offered me a job that was not available, told me that she will give me the phone number to a nanny service located in oshawa. perhaps through them, i will be able to get the job of a live-in nanny, and my neighbour would drive me in every monday, and "home" every friday.

so i was like "okay, that sounds awesome" when she told me. it was without enthusiasm. i dont' really know why. i know i want a job, but i have this feeling that i dont' want one at the same time. perhaps i just dont' want to be off in some unknown foreign place, cut off from friends, cut off from my family (not so much my mom and sister as my animals...)

so i did nothing to try and get this number. and i still haven't typed up my résumé. now the thing with me is that i go through spurts of energetic, progressive behaviour. not that i actually do anything, but these periods of motivation tend to strike me time to time. and here i am stuck in one again. i know that the next time i post here it will be gone. i'll read over this post and wonder "what was i thinking..." but right now, i shall type up a resume.

i'll never ask permission from you, fuck off, i'm not listening to you. i'm not coming home, i'm never going to come back home.

see, i say that. but even right now, i'm thinking that in 10 minutes, katie will be home. and then we'll have to do the dogs. and then she'll say she has homework even though we both know she just goes on the net and talks to her friends. maybe she does homework at the same time, like she says, but the fact is that as soon as she gets home she gets on the computer. and i really dont' have the right to kick her off, since i've been all day. i don't really know what my point is.

i thought i heard someone say "now is no time for running away."

so now i'm trying to look at a map of souther ontario. to figure out exactly how far i am from everyone else. i don't think it's as far as i think.

i came to a conclusion about myself last nite, but now i don't remember what it was.

do you think that i would cry on the phone? do you know what it feels like, being alone?

this is taking a looooooong time. the map, i mean. screw it. it's taking too long.

still no one is online. why is that? oh, right, i guess people have lives... hmm... maybe i should get me one of those. but i don't really think that working constitutes a life. but it's better than what i'm doing now.

ah, how prophetic, wonderwall.

and all the roads we have to walk are winding. and all the lights that lead us there are blinding. there are many things that i would like to say to you, but i dont' know how.

i was just about to write how to-morrow, while at york, it's going to seem like i never left. and then i'm going to come home and it'll be very distant...

today was going to be the day but they'll never throw it back to you. by now you should have some how realised what you're not to do. i dont' believe that anybody feels the way i feel about you now.

man, that song carries sooo many memories.

~andy's room, just after christmas, feeling worse than i ever have before in my life. this song comes on and everyone just belts out the words. i was so happy i could have cried. i think i did a little.

everythign that keeps me together is falling apart. i got this thing that i consider my only art of fucking people over.

another memory-filled song... but back to wonderwall..

~the last day at york. sitting in a room full of cigarette smoke, booze, drunk theatre students, tension and the thought that it was our last nite together. giving rachel a massage. watching andy try and sing the words to his favourite song. everyone again singing at the top of their lungs.

and now 3rd planet. andy. diane. sea foam and christmas lights.

that's enough for today, i think.

love, hugs, cheers

~jessica
i wrote this at 3:41 PM

some devastating news for us all.

good day to everyone.

unfortunately, today i am writing to give you all some bad news, delivered to me the other day by my mother. an extremely important aspect from my - and i'm sure most of yours - childhood, shall not be around any longer. we must say goodbye to our dear old friend. our children, and our children's children will never be able to share in the delight that this amazing product has brought us throughout the years.

ladies and gentlemen, i am talking of course about the banana.

that is right -- ten years from now, that amusingly shaped, pleasantly yellow piece of fruit shall no longer be around.

never again will we have banana bread, sliced bananas in milk with sugar, peanut butter and banana sandwiches, banana splits... from now on, it will all be fake. genetic engeneering will of course produce a new, better banana. but i am already mourning the loss of the original. through the coming years, the cost of bananas will go up. and the corners of my mouth shall turn down.

if you can bear to read more on this subject, i ask you all to point your cursors here , and read a brief article on the subject.

thank you all for your time, together we shall get through this.

~jessica

i wrote this at 1:03 PM

hark the herold angels sing... I'M VISITING YORK!!!!!!!

ahahahaha. i'm excited. i get to see some yorkies. namely, erin and erica. maybe rachel. and possibly jaypee...

there upon the rainbow, is the answer to a neverending story.

you know what? it hasn't even been two weeks yet. in fact, it'll be two weeks on wednesday.

i just made love to your sweet memory, a thousand times in my head. you said you loved it more than ever.

kay, kt's kicking me off the comp.... and i'm not writing anything...

love, hugs, cheers

~jessica
i wrote this at 9:50 PM

did nothing again today.

but that's okay. i watched xfiles again. and now i'm on the computer. i also showered at some point. but that's all i've done. to-morrow me and my mom are going to start excercising together. wait, i dunno if it's tomorrow. sometime soonish, though.

will i lose my dignity? will someone care? will i wake to-morrow from this nightmare?

i had a fun dream last nite. i was all moving back into res. it was like the official move-in day for everyone. which wont' actually happen, cuz it's not like that. but anyway. my new room was behind the bathroom, near my old room. which is exactly where i don't want my room to be. and i was wandering around the halls. jen was in my old room. i went down to andy and greg's old room, and it was huge. and no the same. and not in the same spot in relation to the quad. and there was one little cot inside, and a woman sitting on it, looking out the window. she was blonde and middle-aged, someone's mom, i figured. then i guess she disappeared, cuz i was in the room looking out the window. i sort of took her place or something. and the room was kinda where extacy's (spelling?) was, except a couple floors up, i think. and i was looking out the window, and i could hear the noise of people moving in. and the college was there, and everythign looked the same, but i knew that it was different. i knew that beyond the walls, it had changed. it was now this big industrial-like place.

then i was walking behind the college, and i was in the ruins of some building, and the industrial ness was all there. and then i saw andy and lindsay (i think) and i ran up and we re-unioned. and that was awesome. then we were walking down this street. it was me, andy, diane (i think.. maybe it was lindsay.. maybe it was neither) and some hot guy named justin. and there was this church. and we were in this city, but it was all empty and quiet. and the walls were all spray-painted and it was odd.

at last it's finally over, couldn't take this town much longer.

then i was trying to bust into the church. cuz i thought it woud be pretty. but the door was locked. but there were like tons of doors so we kept going around the church and finding other doors.

then we found some that were open, so we went inside. and it was odd. there were chairs and it was like a blood-bank. but it wasn't. it was like a clinic. so someone was like "what's wrong?" type thing, as in why were we there. i think i said sars, as a joke. so we were in a line, kinda. and we were sitting in these chairs. and we kept having to move. cuz the line was moving. then the justin guy went up, and got a shot of something. i think i was the last to go up. it was me and diane at the same time, actually, i remember that. but when we were sitting, she was lindsay. so we went up and the doctor (who was dressed as the pope.. without the stupid hat) was like asking me questions and stuff, and i think i said sars again. then i think we left, but i don't remember. it was weird.

he's broken every human law, he's broken the law of gravity

all my dreams lately have featured members of the group - the yorkies, i mean. it's fun. i like it.

i like calling them yorkies.

speaking of york... i may be going there on wednesday. jen has to go for some admissions thinger, and so i asked if i could tag along. i have a ride into lindsay. she said she'd know by tonite... i hope i can go... i'm damn excited. i also hope that we have time to stop by at erin and erica's apartment. cuz i haven't seen it yet, and i really want to see some yorkies.

25 years ago they spoke out and they broke out of recession and opression and together they toked.

i'm so bored. i'm kinda hungry. i'll probly get dinner soonish. i made potato and broccoli soup yesterday. it was yummy. i was proud. go me!

i trusted misleading promises worth repeating. how could you do this to me?

my tummy hurts. yesterday, while my cramps and hot flashes and dizziness and nausea were happening, i kept thinking "why me?" then i made myself stop thinking that, cuz it's a damn selfish thought.

computer fucking up... must restart...
i wrote this at 5:36 PM