aftermath

so here i am.. waiting for 1.30 when we meet in the quad to go skating at the harbour front... funness.

i will be better. i know i will. last nite helped more than i can ever express. it was very raw, very emotional and very very uplifting. andy said we pretty much 'made love'.. without the physical, that is.. and i agree. we are closer than ever, and it is just what i needed. i only hope that i helped him as much as he helped me.

love you all.

gotta go skate.

~jessica
i wrote this at 1:26 PM

the worst and best nite of my life equals revelations abound.

so, i'm not going to say everything that happened, for two reasons: 1) that's kinda boring and 2) i can't go through it all, especially right now when it's so fresh and so very raw.

but basic summation: i feel better, andy (i hope) will feel better, me and andy have now connected better than ever before, i am not as unsure of my friendships as i was earlier this week, diane is an absolute doll and i love her to death for tonite, diane's problems worked out for the best, and this depression will be gone.... i can say that for certain. oh, and greg gave me a cool ring.

yes, it was a good nite overall, but it took a whole lot of bad and releasing (which is good.. but the process is not) to get there.

sarah, my love, thank you so much for your email. as i said, it meant more to me than i can say. i'm not going to tell you everything, i might not tell you anything.. all i can say right now is thank you, i love you and good nite.

i love you all sooo much it's sometimes hard to bear.

nite all.. or, rather, 'mornin' since it is 4.20 in the am... jesus tap dancing christ. and we're going skating to-morrow too....

~jessica

oh, and i actually used my dictionary to see if abound was a real word.
i wrote this at 4:25 AM

addendum

so it's been like 5 minutes and i feel guilty about that last post. i know andy cares. he's not a bad person, not at all. i just.. i don't know what to say.. he is the person i want to talk to. but at the same time, like i've said before, i don't want to burden him with all my problems the way everyone else seems to do... and also, fuck i lost my train of thought... fuck.. well, on the same note, i feel like i'm being too clingy with him, too obsessive or something. but it's because i want the comfort that he seems to give me all the time. i can't explain it.. grr.. i want to talk to him.. i need to talk to someone. but he has problems of his own right now. i think i'll just back off, not bother going to him anymore unless invited.... this fucking sucks. i wish i was still the happy naïve girl i was a few months back. now i'm a depressed gossiping bitch who can't stop bitching and gossiping about other people.. i don't like who i am. it is not who i want to be. but i don't know how to fix it.. and i don't think i can ever go back to who i was, and who i want to be.
i wrote this at 1:19 AM

note: this is a depressing entry. if you do not want to be saddened, do not read. i am not seeking advice or attention, so do not worry about giving me that. i am doing this for myself. i need to get this out.


will i ever be happy again?

i just don't know. i have never been this depressed for this long before. i don't even know if it is that long, this week just seems like it's been a month. i feel like it was forever since i came back, and the break was so long ago and so short.

i find that i can not be happy. i can be distracted from my depressive thoughts and feelings, but they all come back to me at some - no, make that many - points in the day. i can laugh and smile at jokes and friends, like when we all sang wonderwall together last nite, that lifted my spirits, but then they all came down again.

i need to talk to someone. but i have no one. i don't think you, my lindsay friends, could help me much, this is all to do with university life and friends, (alicia's phone is ringing.. do i answer it? nah..) i don't want to be another depressed friend of diane's and andy doesn't really seem to care. i don't know. i'm so fucking depressed and i don't know what to do...

don't worry, i won't kill myself.

~jessica
i wrote this at 12:57 AM

*sigh*... just *sigh*

my life is not going well.. well, to-day i went to my first painting class of this semester, and it was short, sweet and i have the same hot TA i had last semester, so all is good.

but yesterday was not good.

i'm going to finish this later.. i need to get clean.
i wrote this at 2:19 PM

fucking people over

i just changed the song and i'm not going to tell you every time i change the song, i just wanted to say that i love this song. and it reminds me of andy and diane. and even when i listened to it today in andy's room, with everyone there, it still makes me sad that i miss them, but in a happy way cuz it's a song.
i wrote this at 1:00 AM

a little better, and it will get better still

i just had a talk with andy. meaning i cried and tried to say words, and squeezed out a few, but still didn't say everything i had "rehearsed" (does anyone else make up scenarios in their heads? and i don't mean for just little things, i mean for every possible situation? like, for example, i was thinking earlier 'i should talk to andy about this, since it concerns him greatly. i will ask him if he can talk for a little bit, or if he really needs to go to sleep. then he will say no, sweetie, lets talk. and then i will say but not in front of people. and he will say in the art studio then....' and blah blah blah till you have it perfect.. does anyone else do that? *sigh* i am really that shy.)

anyway, so we went to the studio, i told him the basis of what i was feeling and he said he'll try to .... erm.. how did he put it?... anyway, he'll try to make it better for me, until his acutane kicks in and he becomes a bitchy anti-socialist who spends all of his time in his room alone... *sigh* he doesn't even have bad acne... damn him. damn the society that makes people think they need diet pills, and anti-acne drugs and other such things to, as andy himself put it "make me beautiful" i could punch him. ha, no i couldn't.

anyway. it is late. i need to get up at 9.. meaning i'm going to get up at 9 every day. yay doing something to stop insomnia.. speaking of which, we watched insomnia tonite and boys don't cry. well, i only watched the end of insomnia, and i wasn't even watching, i was kinda asleep.. cuz i had already seen it and it's boring as fuck... but boys don't cry was good. but i guess girls don't cry either, since no one was.. lol.. that was stupid. but it was good.

k, so nite nite everyone.

love you all more than i can ever express in words. (it's pms... i've been very very emotional.. and very very mushy... )

~jessica
i wrote this at 12:52 AM

less class-time, more fun-time

i don't like class. i realised this last nite, while trying to sleep. it's not that i hate it. it's okay. but it could be better. i just wish i had at least one class with someone from our group-dealie. greg and sketch are in my facs class, but greg sits with the other theatre students... maybe i should just sit over with them... dunno why i haven't... anyway, i just want a class with andy or diane. or meaghan or alicia... *sigh* damn my visual artsy ness...

it's 11.45. my class ended a little before 11.30 and i came back here for no reason. cuz i have tutorial at 12.30. so i could have just hung around with anna, but i didn't want to... dunno why, again. i wish it were still the time before the break. it all seemed so i dunno.. more friendy or something. it all seems different now. grr... stupid christmas. also, there were no classes then.. ha, that was probly it. so all the time was spent hangin and chillin and i was a happy jessica. during the break i missed everyone, and i miss them still....

*sigh*

good bye.

love you all.

~jessica
i wrote this at 11:50 AM

home at last

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!

love you all.

~jessica
i wrote this at 2:17 PM