only at nite

so, now it's saturday. i'm going to see rocky horror again to-nite. yay! and we're dressing up this time. YAY! i couldn't sleep well again last nite, but it was better than usual. so yay for that. you may notice the title thinger ... that says only at nite. well, that is because i have read over my last post and i'm like 'wow, i don't feel at all like that anymore' so i totally only have these depressing thoughts at nite when i'm trying to sleep. it's very odd. cuz during the day i'm as happy as a clam... are clams really that happy? i mean all they do is sit on the bottom of the ocean or whatever and have grains of dirt in their mouth forever till it turns to a pretty pearl then someone kills them for it. doesn't sound very happy to me. so i guess i'm not happy as a clam. cuz that's not happy enough. i'm more like happy as a happy university student can be when she has a lot of stuff coming up that's due or that's exams. which is very scary. but i'm happy all the same.

nothing real interesting has happened in the last few days. just basic hangin and chillin. i watched monsters inc. and it was very cute and i almost cried. meaning there were tears in my eyes. man, i slept in till 1 to-day and i'm still tired. grrr....

well, i think that's about all i can say for this moment. other than i hate all you fellow bloggers cuz you never update..... bitches. (i am, of course, joking that i hate you. because if i really hated you, why would i still want you to update your blogs? eh? eh? ha, yeah, that's right.)

terrah!

love you all as much as the amount of work i have to do [paintings, and essays and exams... oh my!]

~jessica
i wrote this at 1:12 PM

the life of an insomnac continues

ho hum, so here i am. another day, another tutorial that i'm skipping. (shut up, it's the last one... i don't wanna go, cuz i hate that class.) another tired jessica after another sleepless nite. or was it? is it possible that i've (convinced myself that i've) become such an insomniac that when i DO sleep, i dream that i'm not sleeping at all so that when the morning arrives and i fade into consciousness i do not notice that i was asleep? well, that is precisely what happened last nite.

i could have sworn that i was up all nite, that i did not sleep a wink, no shut-eye for me. i was awake at 6.25. i was awake when my alarm went off at 7, because i was thinking (dreaming?) about something. the fact that the song from the radio fit perfectly into my thoughts makes me think that i was in fact dreaming and i heard the song for a minute. then i slept during my 'snooze time' but i felt very refreshed despite the lack of sleep. then it was 8.14, so i got up and started getting dressed. and i was trying to remember how i get dressed when i woke up and it was 8.12. i had dreamed (whoa, weird spelling.... how to you spell the past tense of 'to dream'?) that i was awake. so i am convinced that even if i think i am an insomniac, if i think i was up all nite, if i remember being up all nite, i cannot trust those memories. because sleep deprivation has caused me to sleep unaware that i'm sleeping at all. it's an odd, and somewhat interesting, experience. but i want it to fucking stop. cuz i'm way too tired.


so, when i'm lying there in the wee hours of the morning, i usually start thinking deeply. or something. and at nite, or early morning, i always think depressively and think how .. um. well, here's what i was thinking last nite. i was going to put it in my blog last nite, but then my body was too damn exhausted for me to get out of bed. so i was thinking these thoughts. like how i'm home-sick. but not home-sick like i miss my home, or my friends, or my family (but i do) but more like i miss the person that i was about two years ago, or even last year, before the summer, because the summer was just me worrying about what was going to happen for the rest of my life. stupid worries, really, cuz everything usually works out for the best.

but the person i was two years ago is not the person i am to-day. then i was (i hate to say it) care-free, in the truest sense of the word. sure, i cared about my marks and doing my homework and other stupid things, but i was just living day-by-day, having fun. not that i'm not having fun now. and not that i don't love my friends here, because i do - tremendously - but two years ago the fun i had would last all day. occasionally there was the depressive day, but overall i was a very very happy person. now, i have fun with my friends, we laugh and hang out and it's all good times but then it's 2 am and i'm trying to sleep and i'm not happy. i think i just might need to sleep. but also i think about how i'm just living my life. i'm just going through the motions (enter song from once more with feeling), going to class, skipping the occasional one, kinda doing work and then handing it in. i'll go to yorkdale one day with alicia, watch movies with andy and everyone else, just hang out with diane. and while i do these things i am having fun, i am as care-free as the me two years ago. but then it's the morning and i'm lying in my bed and i'm thinking wontonly about my old life. i think i'm growing up. and i don't like it one bit.

love you all as much as i need to just get some sleep.

~jessica
i wrote this at 12:37 PM

so, last nite at like 6ish, blue haired jon saw me and diane in the hall and he said 'hey, come to bluenotes to-nite, we have a sale from 6-9 and it's 20% off' so i was like, yay, okay. (he works at bluenotes, if ya didn't know). diane had rehersal so she gave me 10$ with which to buy her a rainbow belt. which i did. while at the mall, i bought kt's christmas presents (yay! now i have presents for kt, jen and sarah. and i know what i'm getting my mommy and i know what i'm making for my uni-friends. i think i know what i'll do for chandra, so i have to figure out what to do for my other weldon friends, like ja-9. mostly ja-9, cuz i don't think i'd really see anyone else, anyway.) so at bluenotes, i bought myself some monkey socks, some knee-high rainbow stripey socks and this cool pair of pants. on the way home alicia and i had lots of fun stealing ads out of the subways, running down the up escalators, up the down ones, and just reaking havoc... it was fun. we called it an 'alicia and jessica day of fun!' and we're gonna start doing it more. diane wants to join, too. so they'll be 'alicia, jessica and diane's days of fun!' good times, good times. i'm really supposed to be working on my slide exame (it's due to-morrow... eek!) so ttyl!

love you all as much as i laughed yesterday...yay!

~jessica
i wrote this at 5:12 PM