so. i am completely out of my depression-y slump of a mood... yay!!

although holly can't drive me this weekend, i'm getting kt to ask jane... hopefully that'll pan out okay. last nite i slept over at andy's. cuz that's what i do when alicia and greg go upstairs to our room to sleep. i don't mind. i like sleeping at andy's. and then this morning i edited his essay for him. which was actually kinda fun. and i woke up at 10, but i went to sleep at 4 or something, and i feel completely refreshed. well, almost. i feel all energized to do stuff. like, once i'm done this, i'm gonna go do mine and alicia's laundry. why alicia's you ask? well, she said, man i have to do the laundry, and i said me too. i'll do yours if you want. i'm using all her stuff anyway, it's the least i could do. last nite was fun. andy, diane and i stayed up talking and making fun of ppl we know and things. the reason that alicia and greg went upstairs (they had been sleeping on greg's bed) was that they woke up to us asking andy if gay sex is poo-y. it was very, very amusing.

well, i'm gonna go brush my teeth and do the laundry...

bye!

love you all as much as i like sleepovers.

~jes'ca
i wrote this at 11:43 AM

yo yo . i am in a very good mood. i have to get painting in a minute. i just wanted to say that i added a new link. exlpoding dog is the name of it.. it fucking rocks. what it is is a site where you send in a sentence. and that sentence becomes the name of a drawing that this person does. meaning she draws things based on the titles. and they are all so awesome. so go there. i think i'll add an image on my site so you can see.. they're really cute too.
i wrote this at 2:16 PM

k, you know what? i just changed my mind. meaning i realised something. i don't really think andy dislikes me. cuz of the whole what he said the other day.. (see the end of the last post). which is why i've become less depressed than i was.. cuz a couple days before was when i was doubting our friendship and that was when i was major depressiony. so there, slight change. actually, it's a major one. i just wanna fit in more, dammit.
i wrote this at 4:10 AM

it's been awhile...


so i've been in a sort of a slump. and by slump i mean depressiony mood. here's the dillio. first there's andy. don't mistake me, i love andy, he's totally one of my best friends, but the thing is... there's something you have to know about andy - he acts totally friendly with everybody, and like he'll be the nicest guy to someone, and talk to them and joke with them, and then the moment that person is gone, he'll turn to us and say oh god, i hate her so much... we make fun of him about this lying... it's kinda funny. but not when you start wondering if he's doing this to you. which i have been doing. i've just noticed that he doesn't touch me as much as everybody else. i know that sounds completely retarded, but like he's a very touchy person (as in, he touches ppl, not touchy like ... whatever touchy means....) like if alicia walks into the room, he hugs her. maybe she hugs him... and she just does that. but also, he does the same type of thing with meaghan. and, yes, he does kinda touch me and stuff, i've just noticed that it's not as much as the others. even with dianne, who hates being touched, he still either tries, or says something about it.... i dunno. maybe i'm just being jealous for some odd, obscure reason.... but i have no idea what that could be.

the second thing is that i feel totally left out of everything. the whole virgin, inexperienced as shit isn't as bad... cuz we all laugh about that, and i kinda like it ... but the fact that i don't do drugs or drink is starting to weigh me down... the drugs aren't THAT bad, cuz meaghan doesn't do them either, so there's someone else in the same boat, if you wanna say that, which i wouldn't, but whatever... but ya, she does drink. so i'm the only one who doesn't drink. and i'm not thinking i'm gonna do drugs or drink just to fit in, that's the most retarded thing ever, i'm just saying that it makes me feel super left out. as does the fact that i'm the only vis. major. everyone is theatre except alicia who's dance. but they all have stagecraft together. i don't have any classes with any of them, except facs with greg, but still, that doesn't really help...

so that's me right now. also, i wanted to go home, and though i'm coming home next weekend, probly, i was so looking forward to it this weekend that that brought me down a couple of more notches. and the whole breaking up thing... not that i wanna be in that relationship anymore, just the fact that i've never really had a boyfriend (he doesn't cout, dammit, not a single kiss in over a month disqualifies that relationship from anything but internet sleaze/sex quizzes.) and i feel so damn lonely and out of a loop.... gah. i have classes too. although, i'm not as bad right now as i was a few days ago (since i now have the courage to write this all up.... that should be an indication of getting betterness.) cuz i did hang with andy a little, which was nice. and he said 'it's nice to be getting to know you' or something like that and something else like 'i like how we're hanging out together...' but still, you know, the whole him lying thing.... dammit, andy, if you ever happen to read this (but i dunno how, since i haven't given you the addie... i don't really know why... probly cuz you wouldn't read it anyway... ANY way) if you really do like me, freaking tell me... and if you don't i really really really want you to fucking tell me... see! fucking instead of freaking. i'd rather know if it was a lie than not... get it? good.

k, so 4.02 am.. time for sleep.

bye!

love you all as much as i want you ALL to sign my damn guestbook!! seriously, right now, just so i know you've read this...

~jes'ca powl


i wrote this at 4:05 AM