turnin back, she just laughs, the boulevard is not that bad.

welp, i am taking a 5 minute break. and i am wasting it on you people by posting. i, of course, am a-joking.

i'm in a better mood than i was before i went to the library. even though there was a big stupid jerk in the printing studio who wouldn't let me even transfer something cuz the studio's closed.. okay, so he wasn't very big.. and no, i guess he's not stupid.. and it's not fair to call him a jerk since i don't know him at all, and any other encounters i've ever had with him he's seemed un-jerky.. but still, he was mean and he almost made me cry. now, i'm aware that i am emotionally unstable at the moment, but still. he was rude. how rude! (*giggle* oh stephanie tanner...)

some worms escaped with their lives, they excreated soil, ya ya ya!

i just ate a cheese in a pita and it was REALLY GOOD!

anyways, so ya. i went to the library, photocopied my dealie to transfer it onto my lino, was not allowed into the lab, took a boring picture of jello, and came back here.

yay!

i'm trying to find the words for the care bears theme song. cuz i don't know what it says at one part, the one part that's not "care bear countdown 5-4-3-2-1!" yyyyyyyep.

i almost had a nervous breakdown earlier. so this better mood is much appreciated. i emailed my photo TA and asked, well, pleaded, for him to let me hand in my assignment next tuesday, cuz i just ain't finished yet, and i could finish it but it would be boring and rushed and whatnot. so ya. i hope he replies today or tomorrow.. or today. cuz i really need to know.

kay, now i'm procrastinating by looking at stuff about care bears.. that's bad.

alright, yo, i'm done.

love, hugs and STRESS!

~jess
i wrote this at 8:05 PM

and now, kids, it's time for
LAST WORDS OF THE DEAD AND DYING

"Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored." -- George Saunders' dying words

"Friends applaud, the comedy is over." -- Last words of Ludwig von Beethoven

"This is the last of earth! I am content" --John Quincy Adams

"Are you happy? I'm happy."//"Is everybody happy? I want everybody to be happy. I know I'm happy." -- Ethel Barrymore

alright, it's been like an hour or two since i started that. now i'm going to bed. i will maybe do more of this later. but probably not.

love, hugs and unfinished death things

~jess
i wrote this at 2:22 AM

let's all go for a walk outside, now. the sun is calling my name, i hear it now.

it's so trembly cold outside that my toesies get all frozed.

it seems it is time for me to update. a more concrete less abstracty fillamajiggle postiemcwhosits. i'm all into making up wordsies. i don't know why. why did i say wordsie? i don't know. i think i really am going crazy.

*sigh*

so i just came back from printmaking. where i slacked off the whole time. but it's okay. cuz everyone else slacked off too. and we had good laughs about it and i met new people. and that's always fun. hooray.

but before class, i had to buy my piece of lino and my knife. now, we all know york's full of bastards, but i didn't realise just how much they jacked up the price at the "non-profit" art store. welp, my knife was 14$ which i was expecting, and my lino was 8. EIGHT DOLLARS! someone else got theirs at this art store downtown and it was only 3 something. and someone else got theirs for like 5 or something. and their knives were cheaper too. stupid money. the deadline for our damage deposits (ie 200$ for me) is monday. ha. i am SO not paying that.

*sigh* yes, another one. i don't know how i'm gonna get the money. (no, dad, i don't want your money. don't even offer again cuz my answer is no.)...(<-- *whisper* dad keeps trying to force money upon me) but ya, i don't know how i'm gonna get the money. i don't know how long i'll be able to go on without paying the deposits. i mean, in photo no one in the class paid theirs for like a month after the due date. so i don't think they'll harp on my ass at all. but what if they do? and what if they kick me out or something? *siiiiiiiigh*

i got a bursary today. it was only 767$ though. and it goes right to my account. and now i have to do something for residence council or something. boo. i also applied for a work study job the other day. but since i have no idea what it is, i don't know whether or not i want it. i think it has something to do with designing the website and posters or somethign or other. it's 9 bucks an hour and up to 10 hours a week. so that's pretty sweet.

i also don't know what i'm doing with my osap. cuz they never sent me my thingie. i'm waiting for kt to email me back and tell me whether or not they sent it there. cuz i still owe york 6700 $. actually, more than that.

and then there's other stuff. but that's enough bitching for now. i'm gonna take a nap.

love, hugs and *sigh*

~jess

ps. don't sign my gb giving me any more sympathy. please. lol. don't worry about me, i'll be fine.

[last words of some famous dude: go away, i'm alright.]
i wrote this at 6:32 PM

i'll be home, i'll be beside the phone waiting for you....

welp, i find myself sitting here in front of my computer screen at 1.38 am. with an urge to write. not to write exactly how i'm feeling about my life, just to write. actual specifics about everything would cause worry, give away secrets and just be plain ole bitching, which hypocritically i refuse to do.

she's listening through the air shaft, to see how long our swan song can last.

my life is weird at the moment. i feel like i'm floating. or not. maybe i'm just saying that to sound artistic or something. i don't even know. but as always, my life is currently comprised of my friends lives. i'm worrying of futures, relationships and sleeps that aren't mine. i'm not saying that i want to stop being that person. that helpful girl who everyone comes to with their problems. that's who i am, that's who i love to be. and i am completely serious when i say that if people didn't come to me with their problems, i would feel useless and start to doubt frienships and trust and so on. so this rant, as i choose to call it, is not to affect that in any way. please keep coming to me. and please don't stop.

jane.. divided but i can't decide which side i'm on...

having said that, i will tell you all about my life at the moment. as i said, i am worrying about the lives of my friends. this is normal, this is me. day to day i spend worrying of my friends, and trying to come up with solutions to their problems. that's what i do. that's what i love to do. that's what i'm meant to do. at the same time, i have a whole wack of stuff of my own that has just come up that i'm trying to deal with. these new things are two in number: money - specifically how am i going to come up with magical money that doesn't exist; and classes - do i really want to continue in the ones i have chosen and will i be able to handle them as the year progresses.

now, this money thing. i have decided to cut out all social aspects of my life that need money. this is going to affect montreal, this is going to affect movies, this is going to affect what i do with my time and who i hang around with. i am okay with that. i just realised that i may be able to hold off on paying for my deposits until i get my next pay cheque. if i decide to keep the classes...

the class thing. i have 3 studios this semester. this makes me very giddy with joy. this year i have started to see my potential as an artist, and find pride in the fact that i may be part of the art world and interest in the art world itself. i am excited about going to galleries. if i ever have the money to even pay the subway fare to go downtown and look at the cheap, non-commercial ones. who knows. at the same time, i am going to have so much work to do. not even looking at my studios, i am drowning in a choppy sea of class work and school work and brain-power and time to be sacrificed. but if i cut out the social aspects i may have enough time with which to do the work. if i actually buckle down and do such things.

those are the new stresses of my own in my life. the old, somewhat familiar ones are the same ole jealousy, fear, nervousness and well, jealousy that occupy my life from a day to day basis. i'm not going into this. these are problems that i can deal with myself and will continue to mash away.

just for me, the churchbells rang.

and with all this in mind: with heavier problems of my friends, with my own new shite, with impending doom on the horizon... i can't really feel anything. i mean, i feel. i am happy when i'm happy, i get emotional when shown love, and i have all those negative emotions tagged onto love. but i can't bring myself to care. well, that's harsh. i do care, immensly, about these problems. especially those of my friends. it's obvious i care when i look at how much of my time is spent worrying over such matters. but that's just it. am i really worrying, or am i just trying to not think about things? i am not freaking out as much as i would expect myself to in such a situation. i am not crying myself to sleep over problems that should cause me to have a breakdown. i wouldn't say that i am a-okay, that i'm perfectly of sound mind and grounded and balanced, but i'm feeling detached from everything.

if you would only let me spend my whole life loving you, life could be a dream, sweetheart.

but still i feel that's wrong terminology. i don't feel detached. i think i have been caught in such a whirlwind of thoughts and conflicts and issues that i haven't had time or energy to concentrate enough on one thing or another. there are so many new things smacking me in the face i haven't been able to see them properly and decide how i feel about them or what they are. i don't hold my own opinions about the tensions, i just hear them and see them and absorb them, telling myself that later, later i will look at them more closely. but i don't. i will never have the time.

how's it gonna be when you're not around? how's it gonna be when you find out there was nothing between you and me?

and i find that lately, my advice has been lacking. i mean, i seem to still be able to help people, somehow, and they walk away satisfied. but i feel that i have come to no real solution myself.

maybe it's that i don't feel grounded anymore. i feel like i'm on a piece of wood lost in sea, while huge ships sail away in separate directions. and i can't decide what to do because i can't decide who i am. i think that's it. i don't know who i am. but i do! so this makes no sense. i wanna say that i feel like the world is crumbling around me, and i have the chance to grab a wrope, but i dont' know which one, and everything around me is crumbling so what's the point... except that would be another simile that just doesn't make any sense either.

she's a brick and i'm drowning slowly, off the coast and i'm going nowhere.

so.. what we can deduce from this is that i really have no idea what i'm saying. i have all these thoughts floating around my mind like a big pink and blue puffy sparkly smoke and i can't figure anythign out, relaly. but i can at the same time. and i'm happy. but i'm split.

um.. yeah.. so i guess i'm done now. heh.

love, hugs and CONFUSION!

~jess



i wrote this at 2:07 AM