have you ever had a regret?

i don't think i ever really had until to-nite... what was to-nite, you ask? well, it was rachel's party. now, this party, upon entering the apartment, was a movie-party. a movie party? yes, a movie party. what i mean by movie party is a typical party... like the kind that i had only really seen on movies. you open the door to the apartment, and you are suddenly raped by the barrage of people. and i mean people everywhere. sitting, standing, dancing, on the floor, on chairs, on the balcony, on tables, on the couch, on each other, up against walls, meandering about, everyone with a drink in their hand. well, pretty much everyone. so you step in, somewhere at the end of the line of even more people - the friends that you came with. you take off your shoes. but what do you do with your shoes? take them off. well, of course that's what you do... but where to put them when the entire section of the floor is covered with shoes. well, i threw mine on top. to soil the rest with their un-godly filthiness.

so i go and sit with gregory and the group. we're just chillin, greg and i having a conversation about something or other... greg pretty drunk, and others drunk around us. the cold of the nite air 23 stories up keeps jumping through the sliding door off the balcony when people come in and out. but that's what i get for sitting over there. and then there are the images presented before me. jesse and meaghan drunk together. jesse messing up our card game. andy and diane milling about and sort of looking like they didn't know what to do... which is very odd.. this was mostly andy. andy smoking a cigarette and handing it to diane, saying "take a few hits" though i'm sure, as a very drunk and stoned diane pointed out to me later, he dind't say 'hits' "it's a cigarette.. you take a drag.." so anyway.. the evening progresses. and i choose to not get into it cuz it's 3.30 and i'm getting tired. but in the second half of the party, towards the end, well after the security guys came in and told us to be quiet, after me and jaypee and greg came back from our cookies and chip adventure, after the security guys came in and started drinking and partying with us, after all the cookies and chips were gone, i find myself sitting on the heater in front of the window. diane is to my left, heather beside her, andy beside her and therefore across from me and jay beside him. the other people, if there were any, aren't important. to this story, i mean.. actually, the ones i named aren't really relevant either. so there i am, playing with mandy's cigarettes. then diane steals the one i was playing with and smokes it.. she starts telling me to just take a drag, just a drag.. she was kidding, of course. then she stopped, cuz i put up my whiney i don't wanna front... then i was watching it. i don't know if i could tell you what i was thinking. i don't know if i want to. but i took the cigarette from her and took a drag. and then i hated myself. not because it was gross - though it was.. it was like inhaling ashes - but because i shattered my image of myself. and i have no reason why. why the fuck did i have to do this... i don't know. i have no idea. when i was considering it, i was thinking well, i could go through my life the way i am now, being absolutely pure and having never tried anything, or i could say i've tried one drag at a party once. i chose the latter. because i'm a fucking moron. now i can never go back. maybe i just wanted to understand why andy and diane do it. the same as how lately i've been tasting and smelling drinks. well, not tasting that many.. but a few.

andy's reaction when diane amazingly told him was "no! no!" and so on... erica's when i told her was "well, it's about experimentation." or something or other. greg understood me and said we'd talk to-morrow. i don't feel different or anything. just the fact that i did somethign like that, that i couldn't hang onto myself for any longer kind of frightens me.

but now i need sleep. i haven't worked on my essay at all yet, cuz i'm a flaming moron.

love you all, hugs for everybody.

cheers

~jessica
i wrote this at 3:54 AM

here i am

just sittin here, waiting for greg and jesse to get back from the goddamned lcbo so that they, meaghan and i can go for foodage. i've been ready for food since about 4.30... man alive i'm actually not that hungry.

i'm blogging around.. so pay attention to the blogs of note section of my linky-poos... yay.

cheers

jessica
i wrote this at 6:49 PM

dag, yo

so.... italian test - done... and well done, too, methinks
drawings and crap - done, she seemed to like them... yay
paintings - just finished the second one with 1 hour to spare. though i'm considering adding the lay to the duck.. but then i might screw it up. i don't really like my still life, it didn't turn out as well as it could have.. but i like my subway. yay.

8-page essay - er.... well.. it's due a week from friday. which means tonite i have to start it.. and do lots and lots of work for it on friday and early on saturday. and kt and ross head are coming over from sat to thurs. so they get to watch me do work. it'll be fun.. lol...
other essays - ya, i still haven't started them yet... two weeks yesterday... grr... and a whimper for good measure.
italian presentation - i know what i'm doing now. whoopee. now i just have to figure out a time in which i can do it. when i said whoopie it reminded me of mme. duke.
and italian oral - haven't even started studying.. but i will, and i'll do fine.

so i've been painting all morning. well, i mean i woke up with cramps so i laid around for awhile, tryign not to puke, trying to stop shaking.. goddamn womanhood. but i took lots of pills so now i'm peachy.. yay! i guess i should get ready for class... i think i'll just go in what i'm wearing and not do my hair. cuz i'm lazy like that. maybe i'll put on a bra... .ya. i'll do that. man, i'm hungry.

last nite was gay movie nite - andy's rez event. we watched the laramie project, but i'm a cheerleader and boys don't cry. i went for the laramie project, skipped cheerleader so i could paint, and came back for boys don't cry, even though i've seen it before. the laramie project was good. it's filmed like a documentary (but isn't really) of the making of the play based on the events of laramie and matthew sheppard - a teen who was beaten to death by two other teens for being gay. so it was sad as hell. but it was very good.

i guess that's it for now. my mom has a boyfriend and it's weird. mostly cuz i don't even know what he looks like...

love you all, hugs for everybody.

cheers

~jessica

(there, chandra, how's that for an inactive blog!...lol)
i wrote this at 12:43 PM