everyone's got a water buffalo, yours is fast but mine is slow...

i'm bored. i just read this blog and it's all poems and junk and sounds interesting.

ahhh... the walls are falling down!

spooky fish has a new set up. yay him :)

that's it.

love you all

cheers

~jessica
i wrote this at 5:05 PM

bored.. oh so very bored

here is the googlism for jessica, well, they're the ones i liked, anyway...

jessica is a golden girl
jessica is so cool
jessica is horse ride on sandy asian chick experiences anal sex
jessica is buff
jessica is my biffly
jessica is a 999 heroine
jessica is pregnant? fact or fiction?
jessica is satan
jessica is a horny blonde bitch screaming for cock
jessica is a beautiful teen
jessica is going to brazil ha, i wish
jessica is een lekkerding right...
jessica is a but head way to spell it wrong... wankers
jessica is still here a week later and everything is still the same true enough
jessica is safe i suuuuuuuuuuuuuure am...
jessica is jessica true, very true
jessica is the bestest person in the world aw, i wish
jessica is a bitch ha, touché
jessica is a beautiful girl aw.. that's sweet.. a lie, yes, but sweet none the less...
jessica is a homosexualactually, no, sorry ladies
jessica is a freshman in college and is loving it true, if you replace college with university...
jessica is a controversial sexy model and inspiring actress tee hee...
jessica is just as picky with her men as she is grammar hahahaha.. not true.. about the grammar, i mean... lol, no, about the men...
jessica is the best aw...
jessica is the total opposite this is true enough
jessica is like a rocket ship headed for the stratosphere hahahahaha
jessica is an idiot hey
jessica is doing very well um....
jessica is not a substitute for counseling YES I AM! well.. i want to be....
jessica is decidedly uncomfortable with the conversation what conversation?
jessica is always having a good time not true... but i wish
jessica is sitting up and crawling hahahaha
jessica is above all a hopeless perfectionist nu-uh!
jessica is willing to do whatever it takes to win not true at all...
jessica is very beautiful aw
jessica is female yep
jessica is creeped out by them ha, yup... no matter who "them" are...
jessica is not a real zombie or am i ...
jessica is nude ha. NO
jessica is such a dork TOO TRUE!!
jessica is horse ride on sandy sexy bitch lubing her ass for you HAHAHAHAHAHA
jessica is so cool ya, i am...
jessica is a perfect lady tee hee


and there were a lot more that i deleted...
i'm so bored

love you all

cheers

~jessica
i wrote this at 6:51 PM

and now it's the morning after

so, like i've said, the nites are bad, the days are fine. and here is the day. and i am fine. although, i read over my last post and it made me kinda depressed, but i'm mostly okay.

it's really annoying.

i have painting in like 30 minutes... and i have to buy a canvas before i go, cuz i didn't prime one of the ones that i have.. grr.... i need to buy some house paint.

i'm really bored.

that is all.

love you all

cheers

~jessica
i wrote this at 12:59 PM

sick
my rant of the day

like i've said before, the days are fine. but now it's nite.

i'm fucking sick of emotions.

i'm sick of feeling jealous and left out and sad and depressed. and i'm sick of being ignored.

and i'm sick of school. and of class. and i'm sick of being poor. and of having to watch out for psychotic relatives coming to get me.

i'm sick of being alone. and feeling alone. and not knowing how or who to talk to.

and i'm sick of being single.

and i'm sick of feeling guilty about posting these feelings. and i'm sick of posting only the surface of what i'm feeling. and i'm sick of having problems. and of putting those problems on others. and i'm sick of other people having problems but not coming to me to talk about them. i'm sick of not being a hero.

i'm sick of being confused. and i'm sick of not understanding. i'm sick of remembering what it was like before the break, and of wondering why it isn't like that still.

i'm sick of thinking the group is falling apart. and i'm sick of the group falling apart. i'm sick of everyone being depressed. i'm sick of everyone talking to one person, who isn't me and who has problems of his own. i'm sick of being worried. i'm sick of the things that worry me.

i'm sick of trying to rate my friendships. and of realising that the friendships aren't as strong as i thought. and i'm sick of not being the favourite. and i'm sick of being the only one who thinks this.

i'm sick of being tired. and of being an insomniac. and i'm sick of waking up in the morning.

i'm sick of trying to figure out the future, missing the past and worrying in the present.

i'm sick of not being pretty. and not being perfect. and not being funny.

and i'm sick of needing assurance that i'm loved, and of not getting that assurance.

i'm sick of not having a hidden talent. and i'm sick of having no one who's proud of me.

i'm sick of knowing that even if i write this down, and get it out, it won't help. i'm sick of feeling sorry for myself. and i'm sick of not being able to help anyone, ever. and i'm sick that no one uses me as a therapist.

and i'm sick of not being hugged. and i'm sick... i'm just plain sick.

i'm sick of life.

and it's wearing me out.

love you all.

~jessica
i wrote this at 11:38 PM

it's only tuesday, people!

jesus, it's loud... it's not thursday, yet.. i don't get it..

yay for alicia. she's now a professional dancer, cuz she got hired by a company. kudos to her. : )
i wrote this at 11:08 PM

pointless.

so the other day.. k, it was last nite, i realised that i am pointless here. what have i done here, on campus, that has made any difference?

what brought this on was me obsessing over these goddamned emotions again. and a discussion i had with diane the other day about what if one of us hadn't come to york? well, we hypothesised, we wouldn't miss the person, cuz we never would have known them. but our lives would be different, in certain ways.

but what have i done, really?

have i helped anyone here? i like to believe that i have. but yesterday, i couldn't see it. right now, i am in a jolly good mood. last nite i was borderline okay. but to-day was a good day. perhaps it was the nap i tried to take. or just lounging around in my pyjamas all day. or my bed being messy. but comfy-messy, not annoying-messy. or the conversation i had with blue haired jon about heroes. or finishing my homework. whatever it was, i am thankful for it. but not thankful to anyone in particular, cuz that's not how the world works.

so hoorah.

and i'm going to change the title of my blog, cuz i thought of one i like better...

love you all

cheers

~jessica
i wrote this at 10:57 PM

in a good mood, and this one will last.

so, huzzah for yesterday. woke up at a decent hour, 11.30, showered, did the laundry, had an excellent online chat with andy, cleaned the room (it looks spifferific), alicia came home, hyperness ensued, listened to veggie tales, made my model for drawing, did some hilarious mad libs with alicia and diane and stayed up till 3.30 being hyper and having fun. yes, yesterday was grand. and i woke up to-day at 2 pm, not too shabby either....

here's one of the madlibs... we stuck this one to our door.

Dead Flowers
A Strong Sadlib

i eat in the dark. where am i? where is my cum? sticky. phantoms make crap covered walls in the nite. i am alone. i float like Butters.

now, if you watch south park and know who butters is, it's more amusing... but that doesn't matter. it was fun. fun fun fun. and from another one, we got the line behold my slimey jesus! it was grand.

i discovered this blog to-day, and if you go and read it.. particularly the letter to the audience, i would like to make an apology to anyone i have ever annoyed in a movie theatre. from now on, i shall try my damndest to not talk while watching a movie with others present. and i would also like to apologize for laughing so incredibly much at the gollum/sméagol part, though if i could take it back, i sure as hell wouldn't. :)

tis all, i need some food.

love you all.

cheers.

~jessica
i wrote this at 2:33 PM